elem enem

the thought just hit me now. i am affected by what has happened between jc and i. it's not just because i tend to worry myself about simple things in life. neither is it because i have a tendency to assume there is a problem even if there is none. it's simply because i was really affected by the things he have said. yes, it may appear that nothing has changed between us. it's like nothing happened, feelings were not told. but it is a result of a conscious effort on my part. everytime we see each other i always tell myself beforehand that everything's still the same, that there's nothing to be conscious about. the truth is i am already conscious. i can't fight it. though it really is not big of a deal, a little part of me gets conscious. it's because of the things he told me. inconsistent as he may seem to be, not to add that no supporting actions have been made, a part of me wants to believe all the things he said. and that part is afraid. afraid of falling? no. afraid of losing one of my longest friendships. afraid of hurting someone i've known for almost seventeen years. and with that conscious effort to make things stay the way they are, it seems i'm mean to him most of the time. just to keep our "elementary enemy" relationship alive. i breathe a sigh of relief whenever he tells me stories about karyl or some other girl. it confirms that he was just his usual "joker" self when he told me those things. but when i tell him that i don't believe a word he say about his feelings for me, he gets hurt. or so he says. or so i feel. really confusing. it's like being in the see-saw. when you're the one up, you feel excited. you get high, so to speak. yet you want to go down because you fear that you might fall. when you're the one down, you feel safe. you feel secure. yet you want to go up because you want to feel the air and excitement. really confusing.

i sometimes really want to talk to him and know for sure if he's telling the truth. but i don't wanna appear to be assuming if he was merely joking. and i don't wanna be uncomfortable around him if he was serious. so i guess what we have now will do. i think it's better than not having him around...

random thoughts

LA's been on my mind the whole day... I wonder why.
is it because i still owe him the information about our tennis lessons? if so, why does his name keep on entering my mind everytime i sing soraya's suddenly? hmmm...

when was JC's last text message? yesterday? two days ago? here i go again..looking for things to bother me..oh well..

im really happy for ynna..things are somehow running smoothly for her. im excited for her. i know she'd pass the talent test. just more than a week to go. i just hope she doesn't have her anxiety attacks again..

should i go swimming on saturday?

i want to go to puerto..but not on monday coz i promised Ren we'll go to Baguio on that day. some other day? i hope the convergys people can finalize our puerto trip..

han! what's your problem? i miss you! why do you have to be so far away? next time you're here in manila, make sure you meet up with me ok?

what's this LoveHappens thing? matchmaking? should i give it a shot?

WAAAAHHH!!!! Anchis!!! i miss you!!='(

think of happy thoughts...happy thoughts...happy thoughts...

i haven't used my new swimsuit yet.. puerto!!!

this iris background music is not helping...

what?!!!! i think i just went down one level.. it is a matchmaking thing.. argh! gerald!!

i love you alanis! you deserve to be called the queen of angst.

someone should really stop me from further exploring this Love Happens site.. but there are some cute UK men..hmmm..

mommy trish is making me miss convergys more.. wish i could have my old team back. those were the days..*sigh*

never give up on the people you love? really now..

dial-ups are really slow...

you didn't ask me what i want

i remember i used to write "to be a successful atty." in the blank space after "ambition in life" written in those autograph notebooks which were so "in" and hip before. once, i think when i was in grade II, i wrote "to be a stewardess." after that, it has always been "to be a successful atty." was it because i really wanted to be one? was i aware of what this profession is about? i think not. my mom used to whisper things like "anak kong mabait, matalino, masunurin, maunawain..." to my sister and i whenever where safely tucked in bed. she adds, either in the end or in the start, "anak kong attorney" (in ate's case, "anak kong doktora"). she believed that saying those things help in molding us. in a way, i think it's true. we have our flaws but generally speaking i think we grew up ok. those characteristics got stuck to us. but i doubt the attorney/doctor part. it didn't stick to me... it was in high school when i started asking myself if i really do want to be a lawyer. but when i applied for college, i ended up choosing a course i thought was a good pre-law course. after college, i was able to delay enrolling in a law school by landing a job. but after some unfortunate events, i found myself applying in law schools, and eventually enrolling in one. i told myself I can learn to love, or even just like, law school. I told myself I should just always think about how my mom would be so happy and so proud of me when I become a lawyer. It didn’t work. In just a year in law school, I found out that it isn’t enough that your parents want you to be a lawyer, that it wouldn’t matter if you scored high in the entrance exam, that it isn’t enough that you’re interested, that it isn’t enough that you’re persistent… I found out that you should be intelligent, persistent, and passionate. If you don’t love what you’re doing, even if you’re IQ’s above average and you spend 24 hours studying, you won’t succeed…


my year in law school was a year of reflection. With the help of three lovely souls, I was able to know and to accomplish a lot of things (not connected with law school). So before the school year ended, I told myself I should tell you I’m thinking of pursuing other things. I’ve been trying to prepare myself for our conversation; how I would reason out, how I would justify things, how I would get you to understand me. It wasn’t easy for me just thinking about what I would say to you. The car, condo, your constant claim that you have a feeling I would top the bar, and a lot of other things, not to mention the fact that I’ve disappointed you so many times, keep on disturbing me. A part of me tells me that this is the least I can do for everything you have done for our family. I know it wasn’t easy for you being a single parent and all. I know that you only want what’s best for us. I’d like to think that you’d be understanding and supportive enough of whatever path we choose. But there’s a part of me feels that you won’t. I know that’s not giving you enough credit, but I can’t seem to erase that feeling.


I don’t love law school, Ma. I don’t even like the profession and the justice system here. My stay in Beda exposed me to not-so-nice things about the profession and the system that I’ll be participating in. I wasn’t happy. Not just because of Anchis, since that is a totally different issue. I just wasn’t happy with what I was doing. Yes, the law is interesting. But “interesting” won’t help me survive. Yes, you are ready to provide me with everything that I will need. But those material things won’t make me love law school.


I love you Ma. I don’t love law school. My love for you helped me last that one year in Beda. I saw the smile on your face when I told you I got the highest grade in one class. I saw how proud you were whenever you tell people that I’m studying to become a lawyer. I can count in my fingers the times I saw you that way because of me. I want to see more of that. And I feel that I’ll be able to do so if I become a lawyer. I’m torn into two Ma. I don’t want to blame you if I’m unhappy ten years from now. But I don’t want to further disappoint you either.


I have a lot of thinking to do, I know…

the mermaid is back...

ynna is here!!!!

after three weeks of vacation, she's back here in Manila. She needs to process her application for a masteral's degree in creative writing. I've always admired those who are able to immortalize their thoughts and feelings. Ynna is one of them.

I remember the very first time I was able to read one of her works. It was in her house along P. Noval. She was preparing her things for our "midterm camp" at kuya dan's. We were just starting to get to know each other since we were to become future "sisters." Who would have thought that that night will be the start of a relationship I will treasure forever? She asked questions which were not supposed to be asked by a classmate. I don't know what made me answer those questions. I usually just laugh and deny everything. But with Ynna, it was the opposite. I cried and told her everything.

She then showed me one of her literary works. It was like she took the words out of my mouth. What was written was what I was keeping inside. It is not because I can easily relate to anything and everything. But it was the way she wrote it. And the emotions behind her words..

She's been having anxiety attacks. She fears that her works are not good enough. She really wants to be accepted in UP. Tomorrow, she will pass her application. I hope she gets accepted. I know she will be. Love you Ynna!!

in need of life's weighing scale

LAW SCHOOL
a. mom's happiness
- for all the times i've been a disappointment to her, for her to be proud of me...
b. condo with sis
- cozy, personalized, semi-independence...
c. family's first lawyer
- knowing how they have been keeping track of what we (ate & i) will achieve in life
d. Php.xx,xxx.00-Php.xxx,xxx.00
- don't really care
e. thinking & missing anchis
- *SIGH*
f. explore other places in the country
g. constant communication with friends
- i love my friends!!!
h. stable (?) profession
- though the judicial system here really bothers me


EUROPE
a. my happiness
- in ten years time, i don't wanna look back and add more what if's and should have's in my life...
b. own flat/room
- total independence
c. family's first migrant
- away from those who need to have their priorities in order, those who seem to forget the real meaning of happiness, those who i fear i will hate in the long run...
d. Pounds
- again, don't really care
e. European guy ;-)
- long-time dream..that is, if (or should i say when?) i'll be able to heal and move on
f. new culture
- to test my adaptability =)
g. new friends
- possibility of forming strong bonds like what i have here...
h. unknown field
- one aspect that will really matter..then again, it would make the experience more exciting right?

one summer day...

finally...

after months of thinking and delaying, i've finally gathered enough "willingness" to create my own blog. my dear ynna said it would really help in my healing process, in any process actually..just releasing all the bottled emotions and suppressed thoughts inside me..so, i'm giving it a try..

i've been thinking a lot about having my own blog. i wanted to have one coz it might help me go through this "reflecting" stage of my life..i was kinda hesitant knowing many people will be able to read my posts..which means a lot of different views, opinions, even judgments about me..but what the heck? this is who i am, these are my feelings, these are my thoughts...