planning ahead

the wonders of a human mind talaga. you can't help but think of and imagine your future. you plan all the things you're gonna bring, all the places you're gonna visit, all the activities you're gonna do. planning although your trip is still uncertain, still in its early stages.


is it wrong? i don't think it is. i just wish that my imagination is not that good that i feel it's so real. i cannot contain my excitement. i want to leave tomorrow. or maybe next week.


but i need to ask for signs. decisions like this aren't supposed to be made in a hurry.


oh life...

time flies

summer is almost over. in fact, it started raining weeks ago. was my summer productive? a little. i was able to start working out. my tennis plans finally pushed through. with antz' help, i was able to do volunteer work. favorite part of the summer: watching a lot of movies.

but now i need to change modes. enrollment is starting. but thanks to beda, i haven't been able to take exams to the schools where i might transfer. (i know ynna will give me the look again) the good news is opportunities to go to UK are in my doorsteps once again. i really do hope one of those opportunities is meant for me. hopefully, i'm outta here by september.

stop. i know i should really start processing my enrollment papers. freakin' beda!!!!! i'm feeling the pressure all over again. it's not that i don't care about my life. it's just hard to start doing things when you know that something will hold you back. so people please give me a break. i know what i should be doing.

wish list for you

happy birthday!!!! you're 23 now...

i wish that...

(1. we could be together again)
2. you receive the [material] gift that you want
3. you'll be able to celebrate with your family and friends
4. you're happy...


i wanna give you a hug and a kiss... i wanna give you [again] the most precious gift that i {could} [have] give[n] you... but a part of me shouts that you don't want those things anymore. i don't want to release all my angst today. it is, after all, your birthday. you do not need to hear these feelings inside me. one day i'll write them down. but not today. today is your day. i'm happy and i'm sad. i'm happy coz another year has been added to your life. i'm sad coz it's another year without me in it. but believe me, i am trying really really hard to be happy for you today. i dismiss all the hurting thoughts in my head, and try to think of how we celebrated your past three birthdays. we were really happy then, weren't we? but those memories also bring tears to my eyes and stab deeper in my heart. i badly want them to happen again. i want to greet you personally. i want to celebrate with you. i want to share your happiness. i want to make you feel that this is your day and yours alone. i want you...


i not only want to say happy birthday. i also want to say i love you still. you may have (or as the facts prove, you already have) someone else now. but it doesn't make me love you less. you don't want to hear from me. but it doesn't make me love you less. you have probably threw away all the things that remind you of me. but it doesn't make me love you any less. it's been almost a year since i last saw you, since i last heard from you. but it doesn't make me love you any less.


i love you. i love you still. very much...


they all tell me to move on with my life. "he has moved on," they say. but i know it will take me years to move on. and i know that i will always love you, that you will always be in my heart. i love you. i love you....


happy birthday!!



i love you...='(

everywhere

so many "you" today...



"cubao"

"greenhills"

"peter"

"i shall see to it that you receive this letter, so i will beg you to read it.

but i no longer hold out any hope that the words i write will truly reach you". - ynna

"i want to see you, i both want to see you and at the same time i don't want to. i want to, but i cannot, and i cannot, but i would". -ynna

"precious"

"diamond motors"

"a thousand miles"

please leave me alone!!!


oh i forgot,




you already did...='(

boys will be boys

apple has a new boyfriend now. i remember we were in the process of healing our broken hearts at the same time. but she has moved on. what's my status? she has a new boyfgriend now. even before her la sallite bf, there have been other guys. but mark angelo's the only one who became official. what's my status?

my insecure self is alive again. it's alive although i'm still not sure of what i would or should feel about apple having a new boyfriend. i should be happy for her, i know. i am happy for her. especially now that i remember who her past bf is. she really is better off with someone else. besides, i don't want any of my closest friends to end up with that type of a peson (sorry apple!). bu then i can't help but ask why does she have a bf already? is it because she's better at moving on? is it because i don't meet as many people as she does? is it because i'm unattractive? (presenting my insecure self!)

avoiding LA (our tennis lessons should start tomorrow but oh well..), i asked jc if boys take into consideration the girl's success or status in life. like would they choose a barista over a med student. he said yes coz [if] he loves the former. i said no love yet, just mere prospect. he answered by saying that currently he's trying to pursue a model (meaning karyl) and he's just a plain houseboy (harhar!). so then i asked myself, if they don't consider the status or success what do they consider? the obvious answer? physical appearance. boys (not men).

apple is beautiful. but am i not? i've been an ugly duckling all my life. i guess there will never come a time that i'll turn into a beautiful swan...