my song..soon...

RISE

I know that it's over
But I can't believe we're through
They said that time's a healer
And I'm better without you
It's gonna take time I know
But I'll get over you

Look at my life
Look at my heart
I have seen them fall apart
Now I'm ready to rise again
Look at my hopes
Look at my dreams
I'm building bridges from these scenes
Now I'm ready to rise again

Caught up in my thinking
Like a prisoner in my mind
You pose so many questions
But the truth was hard to find
I better think twice I know
That I'll get over you

Look at my life
Look at my heart
I have seen them fall apart
Now I'm ready to rise again
Look at my hopes
Look at my dreams
I'm building bridges from these scenes
Now I'm ready to rise again

Much time has passed between us
Do you still think of me at all?
My world of broken promises
Now you won't catch me when I fall

Look at my life
Look at my heart
I have seen them fall apart
Now I'm ready to rise again
Look at my hopes
Look at my dreams
I'm building bridges from these scenes
Now I'm ready to rise again

you look good..really good..

for the nth time since i've known you, you were able to touch my heart.. your sweetness is immeasurable, your thoughtfulness is heart warming...

although you're thinner now, you've grown a bit taller.. you still have those charms though..and that breath-taking smile..yes, i've noticed that even before. i guess i was just too busy looking at other things, appreciating other people...

thank you for dropping by yesterday.. thank you for remembering...

i could only wish for the past to happen again..the irony of life...

i'm hoping for more time for us to catch up on things that have happened in our lives. just hope you could find time in your hectic sched. but i know your priorities. that is what i like about you, so focused, so determined..that's one of the reasons why i like you..

yes, i actually do like you...is it too late? i think it is...

comparison

it's not enough that mine is better than hers. coz it doesn't mean that it's better than all the others'.

pate

i'm a puzzle...
with missing pieces...
but when finally completed,
i know i'm a glow-in-the-dark...

hindi pa rin eh

kahit anong gawin ko, anong pagkumbinsi sa sarili ko, o anong pag-iimagine ko, hindi pa rin talaga. kahit sabihin ko na siya out loud, in an attempt to convince myself more, hindi talaga. una, sayang ang pera. at magiging para saan na siya kung sa huli ay di ko rin naman talaga siya itutuloy? sapat na dahilan na ba yung at least for now i'd be doing something and for a couple of months they'd be proud of me again? hindi ba parang in a way lolokohin ko lang sila nun? na after a sem, hindi ko na naman siya itutuloy? wouldn't i just be letting their hopes up?

everything's clear naman eh. all choices are laid out in front of me. oo, sige. di nga kasama sa choices yung studying abroad. ewan ko ba, it just faded out. i mean, it's still inside me na i want to go there and live there and die there. pero to study? now? i'm not sure anymore. siguro para kasing it would demand so much from them na i don't want to happen knowing (or maybe just feeling it) na it's not what they really want for me.

naiisip ko na sige dito muna ko. work at aral. or work or aral. tapos during those times, i'd try to process my papers for my travel abroad. para kasing it would require careful planning eh. applying for the best universities and trying to have a scholarship. ayoko na kasing madaliin ulit. january ang sunod na pasukan. three months to prepare? i don't think so. for the september na start? baka pwede pa. but i can't just use my time in carefully planning everything. "sayang ang oras."

and so, i'm left with the option of studying and/or working here. now, what would i study? law ulit? as i've said in the beginning, it would appear to be just a cover-up. plus the fact na hindi ko talaga siya gusto. i tell myself sometimes, baka this time around i'll learn to love it. considering na sa ibang school na. but when i imagine myself, in any school, wala talaga. naaalala ko yung times ko in beda. i don't want that to happen again. everyday is a struggle. sabi nga nila everyday you should look forward to doing something para alive ka and enthusiastic about life. hindi pwede yun with me in law school.

so masters? in la salle, it would start this january. sa ateneo, summer. sa up, june pa. UP and Ateneo: MA in (Speech) Communications. La Salle: MA in Marketing/Advertising Communications. i'm leaning towards the MA in marketing/advertising. parang mas may direction kasi. the problem with my undergrad course kasi, masyadong malawak. sakop lahat. parang it's about time i should focus on something, specialize on something. but the thing is may kamahalan ang tuition fee. although naiisip ko since i AM gonna work, pwede na siguro di ba? pero andun na naman yung idea na it would be asking a lot from them. isipin ko na lang ba na it's their responsibility sakin, to finance my studies? kahit na di pa yun ang gusto nila?

if i go for la salle and their january start, it would mean that i have two and a half months more doing what? look for a job? pwede. and so the question now is what job? another question pa nga eh kung matanggap ba ko sa graduate program. yeah, low self-esteem speaking. i want to be a trainer. it pays well kasi. plus i'd be a teacher of some sort. kaso nga lang, pag sinabi na namang call center ayan na naman ang misconception na easy money. na di ginagamitan ng utak. hay. if i apply in a marketing or advertising company, will the pay be good enough? will i be accpeted knowing na i don't have any background in that field?

tonight, i'm for pursuing masterals. pero pano kung bukas maisip ko na naman na hindi yun ang gusto nila for me? maisip ko na naman na mapagcocompare na naman kami ni ate and i would, as always, be the "evil sister"? sana hindi magbago isip ko. sana mapangatawanan ko na to. sana makayanan kong sabihin sa kanila na ito na nga ang desisyon ko. sana...

reaching insanity

i'm almost there..almost...

preparing to say goodbye for now

i think i'm nearing decision-making time. i think i actually have a decision. or do i? i may not feel good about it. it may not work out. it may not bring me happiness. it may cause more pain and suffering than before. i may not put my heart into it. it may not give me the results i want. but i need to do this now. and i have to be strong about it.

the new old friend tells the truth..somehow..

i should have known right from the start. i told you so. i told myself so. i correct myself . it's not what usually happens. it's what happens everytime.

i'm used to it, you know. so used to it. if this happened years ago, i would have sunk lower again in my inferior well.

but i know better now. although nothing has changed, at least now i know to anticipate, accept, and just leave it be.

and so, i think i'll leave you two be...


just like any other story, this has ended.

a new old friend

i know you. you know me. way, way back. we've never really gotten a chance to know each other. not even a chance to talk to each other. until now.

i feel comfortable with you. don't know why. i find it easy to talk to you. these past few days have been fun and interesting for me. is it the same for you?

today, i found myself wanting to know more about you. i'm quite sure it's not because i have nothing to do in my life right now. there have been other "people from the past" who i have been in constant communication with these past weeks. but no one has really made me that comfortable and interested. our conversations are light and funny. i just wish i don't get used to our everyday talk coz i'll definitely miss it when it stops.

i guess what i'm just trying to say is...i'm enjoying our "getting to know you" stage. suffice that for now. it's too early to say or think about anything. let's just enjoy the ride.

help!

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME CLEAR MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

an apology and a surrender (of some sort..at least for now)

i didn't mean to leave you at the table during lunch yesterday. i thought you were finished talking. ok, ok. i just kinda wished you were finished talking. i'm sorry. it's not because i don't have my manners. you raised us quite well, you know. it's just that i don't like having those talks. i know you mean well, and i would like to thank you for that. But at this point in my life, where everything seems to be one giant jigsaw puzzle that i am trying to finish in the dark, those talks affect me greatly. It's because i am reminded that i am a bum right now, that i am wasting "precious" time, and that i have, once again, let you down.

i'm sorry for being a disappointment for the nth time in my life. i didn't mean to be, i don't want to be. i know that the only thing we can do to make up for everything you've done for us is to have a successful career. and with what's been going on in my life, that seems to be a very long shot.

i'm sorry if i don't tell you what i really want, what my plans are. it's not because i don't want you to know or that i'm shutting you out of my life. ever since i was young, i've had this fear of telling you that i like this, i don't like that. it's a fear of being a diappointment. it's a fear of seeing the "look" in your eyes. it's a fear of hurting you. i know i've done just that so many times-- from the time i didn't graduate as a salututorian to the time i didn't give much attention and effort in playing the keyboards; from the time i didn't pass the upis exam to the time i ended up landing a call center job instead of applying for law school; from the time i didn't pass lae to the time you learned i have a boyfriend; from the time didn't enroll for a second year in any law school to the times i've completely excluded in my plans the option of continuing law school. and now, i know i'm hurting you again. i'm sorry.

i know what i should be doing. i know that even if i'm only 22 i need to be starting my career. i know that i should not be wasting time. but, you know, in these past months that i've been "lounging around" i've been able to discover some things about myself. one important thing is that i have a simple dream. i just want you to be proud of me and to have a stable life ahead of me. no titles, no fame, no billions. the tricky part of that dream is the part where i want you to take pride in me. coz i know, i feel, the only way i can achieve that is to become a lawyer. i know you've said you'd support us in whatever we want. i thank you for your effort in concealing what you really want. i feel it in me that you badly want me to be an attorney. i know it would be for my own benefit when the time comes. but i just can't seem to love, or even just like, law school. there's something about it that says i'm not meant to be there. maybe my personality just doesn't match that what is needed in law school.

i want to go away, to uk preferrably. maybe leng is right. maybe i just want to be somewhere where i can start anew, where i can do what i want, where i can have my own time to shine.

life is hard for me now. it has been very difficult for the past two years. you don't know about it, nobody in our family knows. (except maybe ate, when i had this breakdown over the phone with her last year. but she was only able to see the tip of the iceberg) i have been hurting, ma. i'm battered and bruised. and i can't seem to heal. issues and problems don't stop coming. just when i thought that i'll be ok, another issue comes along. there were, and there are, times when i just want to give up. i'm not that strong.

now, as i think things through, weighing all my options, i can't seem to come up with a good decision. ynna and i talked before and we agreed that we're ok now. we're not happy coz we're still not where we want to be. but at least we're not sad coz we're not stuck in a place where we don't want it be. at least we have the freedom to take that first step in achieving our own dreams. or so i thought. there are times when i've gathered enough courage to somehow tell you i really want to study abroad, to stand up for what i want to happen in my life. but there are these times when i think about what you may be feeling, what you may be thinking. i think about the next 5 years and i fear that there would still be regrets and disappointments. i can't help but think that the comparison between ate and i wouldn't stop. she'd be a doctor by then and me? i don't even know.

you should know i'm considering enrolling in law school again. yes, that's one of my options now. coz i just feel so pressured. there's this other half of me that is so concerned that i wouldn't be getting your full support if i pursue any other career aside from law. but you should know as well that it may only be temporary. it may be just to pass the time now, while i gather full strength to stand strong for what i want and while i carefully and meticulously process my studies abroad. but if i do that, it would seem to be just a empty attempt to make you happy. an attempt that would only last for a couple of months coz after that i'd be pursuing the uk thing again. then i think about doing what i want now. the only consequence of doing that, enrolling in some marketing units or applying for an MA in marketing, is the fact that you won't be happy. and that's a huge consequence that i don't know if i can bear.

i'm confused, ma. but i know what i should be doing. i'm thinking about my options now, though confusing as they may be. i'm carefully weighing each option. i know i'd have the answers soon. coz i don't want to be like this anymore. too much time has been wasted, i know. i'd let you know as soon as i myself know ok?