LET ME BE!!!!!!

don't be too positive. don't be too idealistic. don't be too safe. why can't you just tell me if it's not possible for you to do? i can settle for something else. the question is can you?

it's not that easy. maybe for other people who are so blessed and gifted. but for an ordinary person like me, it's not. i don't know if you're doing this because you believe in me or because you just can't do what other "normal" people would do or would resort to doing. just tell me straight ok?

there are other options, you know. but you're looking too far. look around us first. there's nothing wrong with dreaming big. just be realistic. this is too much. lucky for me i haven't gone insane because of all the pressure i've been dealing with ever since i can remember.

i want to just throw my hands up in the air and give up. this is just too damn much...

past (1)

one of our songs before...

baby I've been drifting away
dreaming all day
of holding you
touching you
the only thing I want to do
is be with you
as close to you
as I can be

let's make love
all night long
until all our strength is gone
hold on tight
just let go
i want to feel you in my soul
until the sun comes up
let's make love
oh, baby

do you know what you do to me
everything inside of me
is wanting you
and needing you
i'm so in love with you
look in my eyes
let’s get lost tonight
in each other

let's make love
all night long
until all our strength is gone
hold on tight
just let go
i want to feel you in my soul
until the sun comes up
let's make love
let's make love

my song..soon...

RISE

I know that it's over
But I can't believe we're through
They said that time's a healer
And I'm better without you
It's gonna take time I know
But I'll get over you

Look at my life
Look at my heart
I have seen them fall apart
Now I'm ready to rise again
Look at my hopes
Look at my dreams
I'm building bridges from these scenes
Now I'm ready to rise again

Caught up in my thinking
Like a prisoner in my mind
You pose so many questions
But the truth was hard to find
I better think twice I know
That I'll get over you

Look at my life
Look at my heart
I have seen them fall apart
Now I'm ready to rise again
Look at my hopes
Look at my dreams
I'm building bridges from these scenes
Now I'm ready to rise again

Much time has passed between us
Do you still think of me at all?
My world of broken promises
Now you won't catch me when I fall

Look at my life
Look at my heart
I have seen them fall apart
Now I'm ready to rise again
Look at my hopes
Look at my dreams
I'm building bridges from these scenes
Now I'm ready to rise again

you look good..really good..

for the nth time since i've known you, you were able to touch my heart.. your sweetness is immeasurable, your thoughtfulness is heart warming...

although you're thinner now, you've grown a bit taller.. you still have those charms though..and that breath-taking smile..yes, i've noticed that even before. i guess i was just too busy looking at other things, appreciating other people...

thank you for dropping by yesterday.. thank you for remembering...

i could only wish for the past to happen again..the irony of life...

i'm hoping for more time for us to catch up on things that have happened in our lives. just hope you could find time in your hectic sched. but i know your priorities. that is what i like about you, so focused, so determined..that's one of the reasons why i like you..

yes, i actually do like you...is it too late? i think it is...

comparison

it's not enough that mine is better than hers. coz it doesn't mean that it's better than all the others'.

pate

i'm a puzzle...
with missing pieces...
but when finally completed,
i know i'm a glow-in-the-dark...

hindi pa rin eh

kahit anong gawin ko, anong pagkumbinsi sa sarili ko, o anong pag-iimagine ko, hindi pa rin talaga. kahit sabihin ko na siya out loud, in an attempt to convince myself more, hindi talaga. una, sayang ang pera. at magiging para saan na siya kung sa huli ay di ko rin naman talaga siya itutuloy? sapat na dahilan na ba yung at least for now i'd be doing something and for a couple of months they'd be proud of me again? hindi ba parang in a way lolokohin ko lang sila nun? na after a sem, hindi ko na naman siya itutuloy? wouldn't i just be letting their hopes up?

everything's clear naman eh. all choices are laid out in front of me. oo, sige. di nga kasama sa choices yung studying abroad. ewan ko ba, it just faded out. i mean, it's still inside me na i want to go there and live there and die there. pero to study? now? i'm not sure anymore. siguro para kasing it would demand so much from them na i don't want to happen knowing (or maybe just feeling it) na it's not what they really want for me.

naiisip ko na sige dito muna ko. work at aral. or work or aral. tapos during those times, i'd try to process my papers for my travel abroad. para kasing it would require careful planning eh. applying for the best universities and trying to have a scholarship. ayoko na kasing madaliin ulit. january ang sunod na pasukan. three months to prepare? i don't think so. for the september na start? baka pwede pa. but i can't just use my time in carefully planning everything. "sayang ang oras."

and so, i'm left with the option of studying and/or working here. now, what would i study? law ulit? as i've said in the beginning, it would appear to be just a cover-up. plus the fact na hindi ko talaga siya gusto. i tell myself sometimes, baka this time around i'll learn to love it. considering na sa ibang school na. but when i imagine myself, in any school, wala talaga. naaalala ko yung times ko in beda. i don't want that to happen again. everyday is a struggle. sabi nga nila everyday you should look forward to doing something para alive ka and enthusiastic about life. hindi pwede yun with me in law school.

so masters? in la salle, it would start this january. sa ateneo, summer. sa up, june pa. UP and Ateneo: MA in (Speech) Communications. La Salle: MA in Marketing/Advertising Communications. i'm leaning towards the MA in marketing/advertising. parang mas may direction kasi. the problem with my undergrad course kasi, masyadong malawak. sakop lahat. parang it's about time i should focus on something, specialize on something. but the thing is may kamahalan ang tuition fee. although naiisip ko since i AM gonna work, pwede na siguro di ba? pero andun na naman yung idea na it would be asking a lot from them. isipin ko na lang ba na it's their responsibility sakin, to finance my studies? kahit na di pa yun ang gusto nila?

if i go for la salle and their january start, it would mean that i have two and a half months more doing what? look for a job? pwede. and so the question now is what job? another question pa nga eh kung matanggap ba ko sa graduate program. yeah, low self-esteem speaking. i want to be a trainer. it pays well kasi. plus i'd be a teacher of some sort. kaso nga lang, pag sinabi na namang call center ayan na naman ang misconception na easy money. na di ginagamitan ng utak. hay. if i apply in a marketing or advertising company, will the pay be good enough? will i be accpeted knowing na i don't have any background in that field?

tonight, i'm for pursuing masterals. pero pano kung bukas maisip ko na naman na hindi yun ang gusto nila for me? maisip ko na naman na mapagcocompare na naman kami ni ate and i would, as always, be the "evil sister"? sana hindi magbago isip ko. sana mapangatawanan ko na to. sana makayanan kong sabihin sa kanila na ito na nga ang desisyon ko. sana...

reaching insanity

i'm almost there..almost...

preparing to say goodbye for now

i think i'm nearing decision-making time. i think i actually have a decision. or do i? i may not feel good about it. it may not work out. it may not bring me happiness. it may cause more pain and suffering than before. i may not put my heart into it. it may not give me the results i want. but i need to do this now. and i have to be strong about it.

the new old friend tells the truth..somehow..

i should have known right from the start. i told you so. i told myself so. i correct myself . it's not what usually happens. it's what happens everytime.

i'm used to it, you know. so used to it. if this happened years ago, i would have sunk lower again in my inferior well.

but i know better now. although nothing has changed, at least now i know to anticipate, accept, and just leave it be.

and so, i think i'll leave you two be...


just like any other story, this has ended.

a new old friend

i know you. you know me. way, way back. we've never really gotten a chance to know each other. not even a chance to talk to each other. until now.

i feel comfortable with you. don't know why. i find it easy to talk to you. these past few days have been fun and interesting for me. is it the same for you?

today, i found myself wanting to know more about you. i'm quite sure it's not because i have nothing to do in my life right now. there have been other "people from the past" who i have been in constant communication with these past weeks. but no one has really made me that comfortable and interested. our conversations are light and funny. i just wish i don't get used to our everyday talk coz i'll definitely miss it when it stops.

i guess what i'm just trying to say is...i'm enjoying our "getting to know you" stage. suffice that for now. it's too early to say or think about anything. let's just enjoy the ride.

help!

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME CLEAR MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

an apology and a surrender (of some sort..at least for now)

i didn't mean to leave you at the table during lunch yesterday. i thought you were finished talking. ok, ok. i just kinda wished you were finished talking. i'm sorry. it's not because i don't have my manners. you raised us quite well, you know. it's just that i don't like having those talks. i know you mean well, and i would like to thank you for that. But at this point in my life, where everything seems to be one giant jigsaw puzzle that i am trying to finish in the dark, those talks affect me greatly. It's because i am reminded that i am a bum right now, that i am wasting "precious" time, and that i have, once again, let you down.

i'm sorry for being a disappointment for the nth time in my life. i didn't mean to be, i don't want to be. i know that the only thing we can do to make up for everything you've done for us is to have a successful career. and with what's been going on in my life, that seems to be a very long shot.

i'm sorry if i don't tell you what i really want, what my plans are. it's not because i don't want you to know or that i'm shutting you out of my life. ever since i was young, i've had this fear of telling you that i like this, i don't like that. it's a fear of being a diappointment. it's a fear of seeing the "look" in your eyes. it's a fear of hurting you. i know i've done just that so many times-- from the time i didn't graduate as a salututorian to the time i didn't give much attention and effort in playing the keyboards; from the time i didn't pass the upis exam to the time i ended up landing a call center job instead of applying for law school; from the time i didn't pass lae to the time you learned i have a boyfriend; from the time didn't enroll for a second year in any law school to the times i've completely excluded in my plans the option of continuing law school. and now, i know i'm hurting you again. i'm sorry.

i know what i should be doing. i know that even if i'm only 22 i need to be starting my career. i know that i should not be wasting time. but, you know, in these past months that i've been "lounging around" i've been able to discover some things about myself. one important thing is that i have a simple dream. i just want you to be proud of me and to have a stable life ahead of me. no titles, no fame, no billions. the tricky part of that dream is the part where i want you to take pride in me. coz i know, i feel, the only way i can achieve that is to become a lawyer. i know you've said you'd support us in whatever we want. i thank you for your effort in concealing what you really want. i feel it in me that you badly want me to be an attorney. i know it would be for my own benefit when the time comes. but i just can't seem to love, or even just like, law school. there's something about it that says i'm not meant to be there. maybe my personality just doesn't match that what is needed in law school.

i want to go away, to uk preferrably. maybe leng is right. maybe i just want to be somewhere where i can start anew, where i can do what i want, where i can have my own time to shine.

life is hard for me now. it has been very difficult for the past two years. you don't know about it, nobody in our family knows. (except maybe ate, when i had this breakdown over the phone with her last year. but she was only able to see the tip of the iceberg) i have been hurting, ma. i'm battered and bruised. and i can't seem to heal. issues and problems don't stop coming. just when i thought that i'll be ok, another issue comes along. there were, and there are, times when i just want to give up. i'm not that strong.

now, as i think things through, weighing all my options, i can't seem to come up with a good decision. ynna and i talked before and we agreed that we're ok now. we're not happy coz we're still not where we want to be. but at least we're not sad coz we're not stuck in a place where we don't want it be. at least we have the freedom to take that first step in achieving our own dreams. or so i thought. there are times when i've gathered enough courage to somehow tell you i really want to study abroad, to stand up for what i want to happen in my life. but there are these times when i think about what you may be feeling, what you may be thinking. i think about the next 5 years and i fear that there would still be regrets and disappointments. i can't help but think that the comparison between ate and i wouldn't stop. she'd be a doctor by then and me? i don't even know.

you should know i'm considering enrolling in law school again. yes, that's one of my options now. coz i just feel so pressured. there's this other half of me that is so concerned that i wouldn't be getting your full support if i pursue any other career aside from law. but you should know as well that it may only be temporary. it may be just to pass the time now, while i gather full strength to stand strong for what i want and while i carefully and meticulously process my studies abroad. but if i do that, it would seem to be just a empty attempt to make you happy. an attempt that would only last for a couple of months coz after that i'd be pursuing the uk thing again. then i think about doing what i want now. the only consequence of doing that, enrolling in some marketing units or applying for an MA in marketing, is the fact that you won't be happy. and that's a huge consequence that i don't know if i can bear.

i'm confused, ma. but i know what i should be doing. i'm thinking about my options now, though confusing as they may be. i'm carefully weighing each option. i know i'd have the answers soon. coz i don't want to be like this anymore. too much time has been wasted, i know. i'd let you know as soon as i myself know ok?

nightout

I went out with my three angels tonight. Supposedly, lunch lang kami. But since naurong na ng naurong ang meeting time naging coffee date and dinner date. Ynna and I met at 2 at 1611, then Ate Abby followed 30 mins after. Three iced teas, one beer, and a plate of “tostillas” later, the lights went out. Dumami na din ang UST people na pumapasok kaya uminit na din so we decided to just transfer to another place. Ynna said she doesn’t want to go to a mall and asked if we could stay in a coffee shop somewhere. She had this place in mind and so we told Ren to just follow us in Malate. It turned out na “every Lunes” ay closed ang Penguin so we ended up having coffee in Starbucks Adriatico where we unexpectedly saw LC Ricky (Luckily for Ynna and I, she’s not that active na in LLB. So safe kami from our membership dues). I don’t remember what time Ren arrived. Basta ang madaming kwentuhan ay mas dumami pa. It has always been like that, sobrang daming kwento. When we were all still in Beda, madami ng stories to share. But now that we seldom see each other, the stories doubled in number na ata. Triple pa nga ata eh.

I won’t get into details na of what we talked about coz there’s just too many. What I know is that I’m happy I was able to spend time with these three wonderful ladies again. Iba talaga pag kasama ko sila. I can’t describe the friendship we have, the love we have for each other, and the way we value each other. Basta kakaiba. It’s the type of relationship you will hold on to forever. Cliché man pero it’s a friendship that can truly be considered as treasure. We are all unique in our own ways – Ate Abby, the conservative one; Ren, the carefree one; Ynna, the creative one; and Ice, the neutral one. But we have these similarities that bond us and that keep us together. We adjust to each others’ attitudes, b*tchiness, kababawan, mood swings, kacornyhan at lahat-lahat na.

I just love them so much! As in I’d do anything and everything for them. I love you Ate Abby! I love you Ren! I love you Ynna! You all are my soulmates…=)

it's just a see you later

hinatid namin si tita kanina sa airport. not a drop of tear fell from my eyes, while the rest of them cried when we were about to see her get inside the airport for her flight. hindi ako manhid. kabaliktaran nga ako nun eh, masyado akong emosyonal. yun nga lang, when it comes to my family and to most of the people i know, i hide those feelings. i keep this facade that fools a lot of people. i didn't cry kanina not because i won't miss tita. i will miss her. i remember the years i've spent in era with a visible/invisible chaperone everyday. i didn't cry because i know it wasn't goodbye. yes, she'll be staying there for three years and who knows she might even stay there for good. but i know she'd visit us here once she gets the chance. i know she'll miss us, and that she'll forever be part of our family.

i saw a bit of myself in allyssa today, i think. like me, she didn't cry. wala, ni hindi man lang ata siya naging teary-eyed. i don't know if days before tita's flight she did cry. but today, in the airport, she was quiet. she said goodbye to tita, she hugged her and kissed her. on our way home, she was quiet. all our questions were answered by a simple yes or a simple no or just a shrug. on our way back to manila from worship service, sabi ni mama bakit daw ganon si allyssa, di marunong magexpress ng emotions? bakit puro happiness lang daw..and it felt like she was describing me. so i guess, we really are sisters...

missing these moments

midterm camp
west ice/peel sessions

drinking sessions

digest time

ate abby is here. i miss her. she's still the same ate abby who is able to set her mind on doing something regardless of distractions. i wish her luck on the hundred plus digests she needs to finish. love you ate!

chat

after talking to den in ym and msn, i now know why i'm so bothered by his situation. i fear for him. i don't want him to suffer like i did. i don't want him to reach the patethic state that i was in before. i don't want him to spend his time on things which are not meant to be. although i know that it's only normal for him to wish for a second chance and to dwell on the pain and misery, but i don't want it to last for a long time. i've told him twice to hope for the best but still expect the worst. he gave himself until the new year before actually giving up hope, i think. so that will be a total of 5 months. i'll give him that (he doesn't know it took me almost two years now before really setting my mind on moving on). but after the new year, i'd be a bit harder on him.

empathy

yesterday, my day was so emotional. it started with that dream. it was followed by hearing from teng again. i miss her badly that talking to her in ym, even for a short time, brought happiness to my heart. we haven't had our coffee dates for a few months now. and i miss just seeing her and hearing her stories of just about anything. i'm happy for what she has accomplished in her work. i just wish she could find time for herself and for us to be with her from time to time.

i think i'm growing addicted to pda. for others, it may not be a cool thing to watch reality shows like that. but law school made me resort to that and i think it has grown on me. the episode showed one of the scholars crying. it wasn't known then why he was crying but during the prime time show i found out that it was out of sadness. he misses his family and maybe he also feels left out because of the language barrier. i was so amazed at how he, as a guy, can show his emotions to other people. and i felt sad as well.

i spent the afternoon at starbucks west ave, where apple works. i was able to finish lesson one of the personal statement tutorial i downloaded from the net. still have five more lessons to read before actually writng the essay.

tita then told me about how allyssa woke up at dawn and shouted her name. i can't imagine how she must be feeling knowing that her mommy would be leaving in three days. at a very young age, being away from someone she's used to seeing everyday and everynight is a big adjustment. if only she can stay here in manila with us so we can be with her everyday, to try filling in for tita.

i don't know what it was that made me want to see den. all i know is that when apple's shift ended and she asked where we're gonna go, i asked her if its ok to go to den's house. i thought it was going to be easy to go to den's. but because of the unexpected heavy rainpour, we faced many "obstacles." heavy traffic, flood, scary lightnings and thunders, and blackouts. add to it the fact that we can't decide on what food to bring. i knew den doesn't cook. he misses meals everyday.

it wasn't any shock to me when i saw den's place. he was a guy, what was i to expect? but there was something about it or him that bothered me. i wanted to clean his house, buy food for him, and make sure he eats his meals on time. i know how sad he must be because of his breakup. i know that at first i didn't think about it much since it was only a three-month long relationship. but knowing now that time isn't really a good gauge on how deep a relationship has become, i wanted to tell him that whatever it is he's going through will pass. it's only normal for him to miss his ex and to wish for a reconcilliation. but he shouldn't forget to take care of himself and to look forward to better things in life. hay den.. if only i could visit you everyday...

thank you for accompanying apple and i to moa. i knew our planning brought about confusion and headache but at least we were still able to meet. i wish i could have talked to you more but knowing you have other friends with you and that apple and i should be exploring the mall we didn't have that chance. i hope those small talks we had while walking will somehow help to remind you to take care of yourself.

lands, chie, eddie, john, dj, and darrel: you guys ended up going home late, i'm sorry. thank you for spending your day with us...

remnant?leftover?residue?remainder?

dreams are thoughts, visions, and other sensations that occupy the mind in sleep. some say they are the opposites of reality, while some believe that they are prophetic in some way.

i don't know which side to be in. i want some of my dreams to happen, but some i'd wish to be the opposite in reality.

i woke up today not knowing what to feel or how to react. i had this dream for the fourth or fifth time, i think. similar setting, same characters, identical theme.

for this dream, i yearn for the first part to happen. but the last part... it crushes my heart into pieces.

even in dreams, irony reigns.

another person from the past

you were never really gone. you still have my contact numbers, i still have yours. i know what's keeping you busy in your life, you know what's keeping me preoccupied. from time to time, you ask about my family and i ask about yours. you were not visible, but you were never really gone.

you cross my mind, maybe a couple of times a month. whenever i see things that remind me of you: chess. UP jacket. medal. cadbury. fireworks. i know i've told you more than once that i want to see you and that i miss you. maybe it's just a part of me who regrets not spending that much time with you before. plus the fact that i want to apologize for any "mistreatment" i may have (unconsciously) done. now, as i look back, the irritation i felt was baseless. i should have been touched and overwhelmed. is it too late to tell you that now?

my mom likes you, you know. right from the very moment i told her about you and how you've stand up for your faith despite your young age. she doesn't remember some of my friends from highschool whom i've been friends with for ages. but she remembers you.

i'm amazed at how you are able to juggle your time for your studies, work, and obligations in the church.

when i asked about your love life, you joked about me not saying yes to you back in college. i normally would have let it just pass since you did say that it was a joke. but a part of me was bothered. maybe because i know, subconsciously, that if you were to "court" me now, it will be a whole different thing. back then, i didn't know the things i know now. i wasn't that experienced and learned when it came to relationships. not that i am an expert now, coz i still do have lots to learn. it's just that, now, i've become more appreciative of people around me knowing that they may be gone before you know it.

i would love to see you now and spend longer time sharing stories. i haven't seen you for like three years, i think. and we seldom did see each other the two years before that (when i was still in UP). i wonder if you still look the same, if you still talk the same way, if you still flashes your smile like you used to do. find time in your busy sched, ok? =)

options

making a life-changing decision is not a simple matter of eeny-mini-mainy-moe.

status.2

denied.
refused.
repudiated.
disavowed.
rebuked.
rejected.
declined.
renounced.
withheld.
abnegated.
turned down.
disapproved.


where am i to go now? what am i to do?




"...you're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow..."

a person from the past

for the past days i have been in contact again with one of my high school friends. we've lost touch for almost six years. i hear news about him from time to time, but no communication like what we have now.


talking to him now brings back a lot of memories, although, i struggle to remember some of them. talking to him now is a bittersweet way of reminiscing things. but i'd like to focus on the sweet part. i've been wanting to connect again with those who have been, let's just say, a part of my "colorful" love life. i guess, experiencing a very deep level of pain have made me become much more appreciative.


being 15 then, i didn't give much thought to whatever feelings were brought out in the open. unlike now that i'm 22. i was satisfied with having the "kilig" feeling that high school girls experience. little did i know, it was another thing for him.


i can't really remember what happened between us, how our ways just parted. maybe it was because of different schools. maybe it was because we entered college life. but those are not enough reasons to just lose touch with someone close to you, right? we have our own share of faults i guess. he was the one courting so he should have exerted more effort, shouldn't have let "it" slip away. i was his friend, first and foremost. i shouldn't have let the school difference hindered our friendship. there was no phone ringing on either end.


it amazes me how easily we can talk about our past loves (though both still can't go into more details. seems both are still in the process of moving on.) our respective relationships lasted for almost three years, and things ended a year ago. the only difference between us is that they had their closure. i still don't have mine. they're civil, i think they're even friends. i, on the other hand, am not just a stranger. i think i am considered as enemy. oh well...


i'm happy we're able to communicate again, and that one of these days i'll be able to apologize for any ill-feeling i may have caused you. I'll also be able to apologize for not keeping in touch. but right now, let's just talk...

status

track your documents


status: dispatched



i am miss dispatched.



spell dispatched: d-i-s-p...





positive or negative: POSITIVE (hopefully!)

eyes cleansing

i cried again today because of you... i miss you...wish you can give me just one last hug and kiss...

an emotional pass (#1)

i've been relatively sane this past two months or so. and i've told myself, when i knew and felt that i'm starting to take the first steps in moving on, that i'd let my emotions out once in a while. coz it helps, it really does. i'd cry, smile, curse, rant, or giggle if i need to. taht is why i'm giving myself this "emotional pass."





i miss you anchis!







and another thing,









i love you still...

september quotes

" if everything is predetermined, then nothing we do makes a difference." -jack bristow, alias.


"what you need to know about the past is that no matter what happened, it has worked together to bring you to this very moment, and this is the moment you can choose to make everything new, right now.


thanks jb!

another day in the trash

woke up this morning, early this morning, and started with my daily routine. clean the room, clean the living room, and wash the dishes (if there are any left from last night's dinner). I finished by 10, and had nothing else to do but to watch TV.


JB said he envies me for being a "bum." I said he shouldn't. I've been throwing days and weeks into the trash for almost three months now. I may have gathered (some of) my documents, and met with friends here and there. But it doesn't come close to my relatively busy sched for the past 22 years of my life (ok, maybe just the last 19 years).


Just when I have to be "cracking on" with my application, it is when i can't do anything. i mean, i can do something but the major things on which that something depends on need to happen first. It'll be september this friday. i only have, at most, three weeks to have my visa, arrange my travel, and actually leave for the UK.


I don't know if i'll be able to make it by the two-week extension given to me. I want to leave. I don't want to waste anymore of my time. I'm still young, I know. But life,as they say, is short. I have to do what I want to do in life.



i'm getting restless by the minute...

hay...

fave word lately: hay!

just can't seem to utter anything else nowadays. magsama-sama ba naman ang confusion, feeling of worthless-ness and helpless-ness, desperation, at kung ano-ano pang magugulong damdamin.


hay...



di lang sa hindi ko nakukuha ang mga gusto kong maging sagot sa mga tanong ko, kundi walang sagot sa karamihan ng mga tanong na ito. dagdag pa na hindi ko alam kung saan lulugar, kung papaano gagalaw. ayokong ipilit ang di ukol, pero ayoko ding bayaang tadhana ang gumawa para sa akin. paano ko malalaman kung hanggang saan lang ang dapat kong gawin? paano ko malalaman na hindi ito pamimilit ng hindi para sa akin? paano ko malalaman kung may iba pa palang nakalaan sa akin?


hay...


ayoko ng magtagal pa dahil sa takot na bumalik sa mga nakasanayang gawin. sa takot na muling malugmok sa malalim at madilim na lugar na pilit kong nilabasan nitong nagdaang taon. hindi ko lang basta nakita ang maaliwalas na ulap. nagkaroon na rin ako kahit pano ng lakas at tibay ng loob para makalabas sa malalim at madilim na lugar na iyon. ayokong masayang ang walang sawang pagpapaalala at pag-aalala ng mga taong nagsilbing mga anghel mula sa maaliwalas na ulpa. ayokong bumalik sa kalagayang hindi alam ang kahalagahan ng pananatiling buhay sa kabila ng minsang pagkamatay ng puso.



hay...


kailangan ko ng umalis.

8.24.06

don't you just hate it when you talk to someone in filipino but get an answer in english? A bad english at that. add to it that the person responding feels superior because of her use of the international language. pasalamat siya may edad na siya kung hindi...


i would have talked to her in straight english and smile my heart out when she can't catch up with what i'm saying. but i got so distracted by her grammar, pronunciation, and articulation. plus the fact that she's not a sight to see. i mean, since it was in a way a semi-formal environment, she should have sat up straight, looked me in the eyes, and avoided unnecessary movements.


to make matters worse, i didn't think she was well-equipped for her job. her company should have a monthly check of the competence of their employees. i almost wanted to cut my relationship with the company just because of her. yeah, yeah. the answers she gave weren't the ones i was hoping for. but she wasn't even able to provide me with the simple details i was expecting for her to mention.



i'm confused. and she wasn't of any help!

8.23.06

Sa lahat ng kausap ko, si apple lang ang nagkatotoo. well, si apple lang naman talaga to begin with. Luckily, Leng was able to come and make my would-have-been-a-loner stay in starbucks a worthy one. Worthy naman pala talaga kasi i got a free mug, houseblend beans, plus the delicious and scrumptuos coffee tasting and pastries. =)


Apple had her hair cut really short, and Leng is right. It's ok, para nga naman new look si apple. Just like before, Apple showed her dedication with what she's doing. In just a year, she was able to become a coffee master and participate in the starbuck's ambassador's cup. And take note, she stayed until the Grande round. So proud of you apple! She really deserves a better man. I mean, i love you apple, pero dapat you look for the "best" man. Your last ex was kinda ok na sana. yun nga lang..oh well! just means the one meant for you is still out there. Love you!


In Leng's case...well, ano nga ba? There are a lot of things going on with her, I know. It's just that Leng will always be Leng. Same old Leng I knew way back in elementary. What I love about my relationship with Leng is that it's true, it doesn't try too hard to exist. It just does. Even if we don't see or talk to each other that often, the relationship remains as it is. Walang ilangan, walang nagaalangan, walang kyeme. She knows me, I know her. Whatever we do, say, and think, good or bad, no judgments. Coz it's just the way we are, and we know it. Siyempre we tell each other din naman what we should change or improve on. Pero just the important stuff, life-changing stuff. How I wished I could have shared with her the past four years in my life, yung as in by my side and all. Ilang beses na siguro akong nasermonan at naiuntog para magising. But I guess, it was meant to be that way. Or else, I wouldn't have learned all those lessons first-hand. Besides, sharing with her my (future, near future) moving on process is much better. I love you Leng! Friends Forever!!

decision-making time

I have just read Miss Kaarina's response to my email.








God, what do You want to tell me?









Miss Kaarina said that I would still be accepted until two weeks after classes have started.








Does this mean I should really "crack on" with my visa application? what if mama would think that it's still a short time for all the necessary prep? do we have the money right now for the course fee? are my papers correct and in order?








LA mentioned something about being prepared. I told him I think, I feel that I am ready. Emotionally and psychologically.










I need to make a decision for myself now...

my monday

MONDAY:
We were supposed to meet at 10 for a movie. Luckily, LA sent a text (very) early in the morning informing us he's available only after lunch coz he needs to go to Rizal. But that didn't stop me from waking up at 9. Ate, in her ususal katarayan, said she can no longer move her wards duty. Even Leng, who told us earlier that she is free after lunch, wasn't able to come because of "lack of sleep."
I missed LA. I know it's a conscious effort on my part not to text him or invite him to go out like before. I know he is busy with school, work, and church. Yes, yes. Plus the fact that he has a gf now. He hasn't really changed. He's still the same old LA ready to listen to just about anything. Still the same old LA who complains about the prices of everything.=) Kaya lang may gf na nga siya! ayokong maging katulad ni C na alam na may gf na yung tao eh nakikipagharutan pa sa harap mismo ng gf. (angry, very angry me!)
But I know I should stop joking about him choosing Nene and not me. It may make him uncomfy. I don't really mean it. Yun nga lang kasi..hay! (i should have published first my birthday post dapat eh)
Si JC? Ok lang. medyo miss lang. He went on again saying he wants to court Leng. After a couple of minutes, hindi na daw. Tapos, with conviction and all, sasabihin na sure na siya. Liligawan na nga niya. He even got excited just receiving Leng's text and getting her jacket for her. Just thinking about it again makes me have a headache. He should really sort things out inside him.
In Starbucks, I looked at them both and smiled. I found myself saying "I love these guys." They're my best guy friends. Yup, even JC. =) I'm comfortable around them. Although they're not like my HS friends who'll protect me from just about anybody or like my Beda buddies who'll be with me in all our "drinking" sessions, LA & JC are special. Sitting there and drinking coffee, I knew inside me our relationship will last. I'm not being cliche or anything. I just felt it last night. And even if they are (or in JC's case, will be) bfs of whoever, I know they will remain "my best buds."

my sunday

SUNDAY:
We went to Gateway Mall. No biggie, right? WRONG! I have managed to stay away from the places that remind me of Anchis. Except, of course, for the roads and places I should really pass through or go to. But I deliberately avoid going to our "pasyalan/date" places. Especially, Gateway. It is so near him. So many memories. So many emotions that will resurface.
But what was I to do? Ikaw na ang sumbatan na in case matuloy ka sa pag-alis, you will see less of your family. It's like saying na lumabas-labas na tayo ngayon dahil bilang na ang mga ganitong pagkakataon. Tama nga naman. Kasi aalis na talaga ako. Kailangan kong umalis na.
I made sure I have my iPod with me so I can listen to my "healing" songs while there. On our way to the mall, I told my angry self taht if I see him or her or them, then I guess it is just time for me to see him or her or them. It felt good hearing me say that to myself. How brave of me, no?
As usual, I didn't look at the faces of the people there. Afraid of seeing him. Afraid of seeing them together.
Na-realize ko pag-uwi na talagang mababaw ako. I got distracted by the games and by allyssa, trish, and tan-tan. Yes, we were in Timezone--the place where Anchis and I used to play as well. I even saw Van Gogh's Workroom which made me remember our "portrait" together. I'm not sure if it's with him or with me. If it is with him, does he still have it? Or has he thrown away all the letters and other stuff that reminds him of me? But those rememberin-him moments lasted for just a minute or so. I found myself watching my family play, watching them concentrate on getting prizes.
So, there is hope for me. I can move on. I MUST move on. NOW.

what the ---?!!!

what the hell do they mean when they say "Your file has been pulled out and being auctioned now"?!!!! aaaaaaargh!!! am i just stupid or just a worry-rat???? God, give me answers please....=(

after a while...

i've been out of the "blog circulation" for quite some time now.. no thanks to the pldt application filed eons ago..

oh well..

i'm not in the mood to post all my should-have-been-posted-on-this-date blogs. just in the mood to, i guess, have a new post here...


i went to ortigas this afternoon. i should really leave at the time i scheduled to leave. coz the traffic sucks. never assume that at a particular time there are less cars in the streets...

after driving for an hour and a half, i arrived 40 mintes late for my education counselling appointment. good thing i called ahead and informed them i was gonna be late.

talking to sir willie didn't help that much. just made me even more confused. if he says there is only a slim chance that i can leave for the sept classes, should i pursue with the chichester application now? if not, will my acceptance be carried over for the january classes? or should i try applying to other universities and allot more time for preparation?

sir willie told me, with no offense meant, that it seems i just want to accept what is available now so i can leave soon. true? partly, yes. i don't want to stay here longer. i know this makes me impatient and unreasonable.. but then, i don't want to be here when all those memorable dates come...how patethic could i be, right?????

i know and i feel i'm in a much better condition now as compared with last year... i don't cry my heart out every hour of every day. i am able to finish all the things i should do (not that i have lots os stuff to do nowadays)... i remember anchis and i'm able to smile.. yes, there are still times when i have the i-can't-breathe feeling. but I AM in a better state now. and i (hope) know that it wouldn't take that much longer for me to move on...

which leads me back to my leaving this place... i know mitz is right. she said "...moving away doesn't give you a life, it gives you a different country.." but i feel that leaving this place is an essential factor for my complete healing.. i don;t really know why. i just know it is...

for a bum like me, this is so much stress!!!!

after some time

i should have posted a lot of things for the past ten days. but due to our move, internet access was out of the question. kailangan pang sumakay ng jeep, at para sa sanay lang lumakad ng dalawang hakbang palapit sa computer, ang isang sakay ng jeep ay mahaba at nakakapagod.

nameless state

i saw your friendster account just now. you have several pictures compared to when we created that account. you still have a snoopy pic though.=)

all those pictures were of you with her. as i clicked on your account in my friends' list, i get this feeling again of not being able to breathe, this suffocating feeling i hate. i saw you with her. again. you were both smiling. i feel like i'll be having an attack with every picture that i look at. you were cuddling, and you were both smiling. you looked very happy. suprisingly, i smiled at that idea. you are happy. it's in your smile.

i wish that my smiling is a sign. a sign not indicating that i don't love you anymore. because i still do. very much. i wish it's a sign that i can accept things as they are now, that i can finally say i really am hapy for you. i can't help crying now. it hurts me still. but i want to focus on your happiness. and on all other beautiful things life has in store for both of us (separately, of course)...

i can't breathe... but at least, i smiled...

planning ahead

the wonders of a human mind talaga. you can't help but think of and imagine your future. you plan all the things you're gonna bring, all the places you're gonna visit, all the activities you're gonna do. planning although your trip is still uncertain, still in its early stages.


is it wrong? i don't think it is. i just wish that my imagination is not that good that i feel it's so real. i cannot contain my excitement. i want to leave tomorrow. or maybe next week.


but i need to ask for signs. decisions like this aren't supposed to be made in a hurry.


oh life...

time flies

summer is almost over. in fact, it started raining weeks ago. was my summer productive? a little. i was able to start working out. my tennis plans finally pushed through. with antz' help, i was able to do volunteer work. favorite part of the summer: watching a lot of movies.

but now i need to change modes. enrollment is starting. but thanks to beda, i haven't been able to take exams to the schools where i might transfer. (i know ynna will give me the look again) the good news is opportunities to go to UK are in my doorsteps once again. i really do hope one of those opportunities is meant for me. hopefully, i'm outta here by september.

stop. i know i should really start processing my enrollment papers. freakin' beda!!!!! i'm feeling the pressure all over again. it's not that i don't care about my life. it's just hard to start doing things when you know that something will hold you back. so people please give me a break. i know what i should be doing.

wish list for you

happy birthday!!!! you're 23 now...

i wish that...

(1. we could be together again)
2. you receive the [material] gift that you want
3. you'll be able to celebrate with your family and friends
4. you're happy...


i wanna give you a hug and a kiss... i wanna give you [again] the most precious gift that i {could} [have] give[n] you... but a part of me shouts that you don't want those things anymore. i don't want to release all my angst today. it is, after all, your birthday. you do not need to hear these feelings inside me. one day i'll write them down. but not today. today is your day. i'm happy and i'm sad. i'm happy coz another year has been added to your life. i'm sad coz it's another year without me in it. but believe me, i am trying really really hard to be happy for you today. i dismiss all the hurting thoughts in my head, and try to think of how we celebrated your past three birthdays. we were really happy then, weren't we? but those memories also bring tears to my eyes and stab deeper in my heart. i badly want them to happen again. i want to greet you personally. i want to celebrate with you. i want to share your happiness. i want to make you feel that this is your day and yours alone. i want you...


i not only want to say happy birthday. i also want to say i love you still. you may have (or as the facts prove, you already have) someone else now. but it doesn't make me love you less. you don't want to hear from me. but it doesn't make me love you less. you have probably threw away all the things that remind you of me. but it doesn't make me love you any less. it's been almost a year since i last saw you, since i last heard from you. but it doesn't make me love you any less.


i love you. i love you still. very much...


they all tell me to move on with my life. "he has moved on," they say. but i know it will take me years to move on. and i know that i will always love you, that you will always be in my heart. i love you. i love you....


happy birthday!!



i love you...='(

everywhere

so many "you" today...



"cubao"

"greenhills"

"peter"

"i shall see to it that you receive this letter, so i will beg you to read it.

but i no longer hold out any hope that the words i write will truly reach you". - ynna

"i want to see you, i both want to see you and at the same time i don't want to. i want to, but i cannot, and i cannot, but i would". -ynna

"precious"

"diamond motors"

"a thousand miles"

please leave me alone!!!


oh i forgot,




you already did...='(

boys will be boys

apple has a new boyfriend now. i remember we were in the process of healing our broken hearts at the same time. but she has moved on. what's my status? she has a new boyfgriend now. even before her la sallite bf, there have been other guys. but mark angelo's the only one who became official. what's my status?

my insecure self is alive again. it's alive although i'm still not sure of what i would or should feel about apple having a new boyfriend. i should be happy for her, i know. i am happy for her. especially now that i remember who her past bf is. she really is better off with someone else. besides, i don't want any of my closest friends to end up with that type of a peson (sorry apple!). bu then i can't help but ask why does she have a bf already? is it because she's better at moving on? is it because i don't meet as many people as she does? is it because i'm unattractive? (presenting my insecure self!)

avoiding LA (our tennis lessons should start tomorrow but oh well..), i asked jc if boys take into consideration the girl's success or status in life. like would they choose a barista over a med student. he said yes coz [if] he loves the former. i said no love yet, just mere prospect. he answered by saying that currently he's trying to pursue a model (meaning karyl) and he's just a plain houseboy (harhar!). so then i asked myself, if they don't consider the status or success what do they consider? the obvious answer? physical appearance. boys (not men).

apple is beautiful. but am i not? i've been an ugly duckling all my life. i guess there will never come a time that i'll turn into a beautiful swan...

elem enem

the thought just hit me now. i am affected by what has happened between jc and i. it's not just because i tend to worry myself about simple things in life. neither is it because i have a tendency to assume there is a problem even if there is none. it's simply because i was really affected by the things he have said. yes, it may appear that nothing has changed between us. it's like nothing happened, feelings were not told. but it is a result of a conscious effort on my part. everytime we see each other i always tell myself beforehand that everything's still the same, that there's nothing to be conscious about. the truth is i am already conscious. i can't fight it. though it really is not big of a deal, a little part of me gets conscious. it's because of the things he told me. inconsistent as he may seem to be, not to add that no supporting actions have been made, a part of me wants to believe all the things he said. and that part is afraid. afraid of falling? no. afraid of losing one of my longest friendships. afraid of hurting someone i've known for almost seventeen years. and with that conscious effort to make things stay the way they are, it seems i'm mean to him most of the time. just to keep our "elementary enemy" relationship alive. i breathe a sigh of relief whenever he tells me stories about karyl or some other girl. it confirms that he was just his usual "joker" self when he told me those things. but when i tell him that i don't believe a word he say about his feelings for me, he gets hurt. or so he says. or so i feel. really confusing. it's like being in the see-saw. when you're the one up, you feel excited. you get high, so to speak. yet you want to go down because you fear that you might fall. when you're the one down, you feel safe. you feel secure. yet you want to go up because you want to feel the air and excitement. really confusing.

i sometimes really want to talk to him and know for sure if he's telling the truth. but i don't wanna appear to be assuming if he was merely joking. and i don't wanna be uncomfortable around him if he was serious. so i guess what we have now will do. i think it's better than not having him around...

random thoughts

LA's been on my mind the whole day... I wonder why.
is it because i still owe him the information about our tennis lessons? if so, why does his name keep on entering my mind everytime i sing soraya's suddenly? hmmm...

when was JC's last text message? yesterday? two days ago? here i go again..looking for things to bother me..oh well..

im really happy for ynna..things are somehow running smoothly for her. im excited for her. i know she'd pass the talent test. just more than a week to go. i just hope she doesn't have her anxiety attacks again..

should i go swimming on saturday?

i want to go to puerto..but not on monday coz i promised Ren we'll go to Baguio on that day. some other day? i hope the convergys people can finalize our puerto trip..

han! what's your problem? i miss you! why do you have to be so far away? next time you're here in manila, make sure you meet up with me ok?

what's this LoveHappens thing? matchmaking? should i give it a shot?

WAAAAHHH!!!! Anchis!!! i miss you!!='(

think of happy thoughts...happy thoughts...happy thoughts...

i haven't used my new swimsuit yet.. puerto!!!

this iris background music is not helping...

what?!!!! i think i just went down one level.. it is a matchmaking thing.. argh! gerald!!

i love you alanis! you deserve to be called the queen of angst.

someone should really stop me from further exploring this Love Happens site.. but there are some cute UK men..hmmm..

mommy trish is making me miss convergys more.. wish i could have my old team back. those were the days..*sigh*

never give up on the people you love? really now..

dial-ups are really slow...

you didn't ask me what i want

i remember i used to write "to be a successful atty." in the blank space after "ambition in life" written in those autograph notebooks which were so "in" and hip before. once, i think when i was in grade II, i wrote "to be a stewardess." after that, it has always been "to be a successful atty." was it because i really wanted to be one? was i aware of what this profession is about? i think not. my mom used to whisper things like "anak kong mabait, matalino, masunurin, maunawain..." to my sister and i whenever where safely tucked in bed. she adds, either in the end or in the start, "anak kong attorney" (in ate's case, "anak kong doktora"). she believed that saying those things help in molding us. in a way, i think it's true. we have our flaws but generally speaking i think we grew up ok. those characteristics got stuck to us. but i doubt the attorney/doctor part. it didn't stick to me... it was in high school when i started asking myself if i really do want to be a lawyer. but when i applied for college, i ended up choosing a course i thought was a good pre-law course. after college, i was able to delay enrolling in a law school by landing a job. but after some unfortunate events, i found myself applying in law schools, and eventually enrolling in one. i told myself I can learn to love, or even just like, law school. I told myself I should just always think about how my mom would be so happy and so proud of me when I become a lawyer. It didn’t work. In just a year in law school, I found out that it isn’t enough that your parents want you to be a lawyer, that it wouldn’t matter if you scored high in the entrance exam, that it isn’t enough that you’re interested, that it isn’t enough that you’re persistent… I found out that you should be intelligent, persistent, and passionate. If you don’t love what you’re doing, even if you’re IQ’s above average and you spend 24 hours studying, you won’t succeed…


my year in law school was a year of reflection. With the help of three lovely souls, I was able to know and to accomplish a lot of things (not connected with law school). So before the school year ended, I told myself I should tell you I’m thinking of pursuing other things. I’ve been trying to prepare myself for our conversation; how I would reason out, how I would justify things, how I would get you to understand me. It wasn’t easy for me just thinking about what I would say to you. The car, condo, your constant claim that you have a feeling I would top the bar, and a lot of other things, not to mention the fact that I’ve disappointed you so many times, keep on disturbing me. A part of me tells me that this is the least I can do for everything you have done for our family. I know it wasn’t easy for you being a single parent and all. I know that you only want what’s best for us. I’d like to think that you’d be understanding and supportive enough of whatever path we choose. But there’s a part of me feels that you won’t. I know that’s not giving you enough credit, but I can’t seem to erase that feeling.


I don’t love law school, Ma. I don’t even like the profession and the justice system here. My stay in Beda exposed me to not-so-nice things about the profession and the system that I’ll be participating in. I wasn’t happy. Not just because of Anchis, since that is a totally different issue. I just wasn’t happy with what I was doing. Yes, the law is interesting. But “interesting” won’t help me survive. Yes, you are ready to provide me with everything that I will need. But those material things won’t make me love law school.


I love you Ma. I don’t love law school. My love for you helped me last that one year in Beda. I saw the smile on your face when I told you I got the highest grade in one class. I saw how proud you were whenever you tell people that I’m studying to become a lawyer. I can count in my fingers the times I saw you that way because of me. I want to see more of that. And I feel that I’ll be able to do so if I become a lawyer. I’m torn into two Ma. I don’t want to blame you if I’m unhappy ten years from now. But I don’t want to further disappoint you either.


I have a lot of thinking to do, I know…

the mermaid is back...

ynna is here!!!!

after three weeks of vacation, she's back here in Manila. She needs to process her application for a masteral's degree in creative writing. I've always admired those who are able to immortalize their thoughts and feelings. Ynna is one of them.

I remember the very first time I was able to read one of her works. It was in her house along P. Noval. She was preparing her things for our "midterm camp" at kuya dan's. We were just starting to get to know each other since we were to become future "sisters." Who would have thought that that night will be the start of a relationship I will treasure forever? She asked questions which were not supposed to be asked by a classmate. I don't know what made me answer those questions. I usually just laugh and deny everything. But with Ynna, it was the opposite. I cried and told her everything.

She then showed me one of her literary works. It was like she took the words out of my mouth. What was written was what I was keeping inside. It is not because I can easily relate to anything and everything. But it was the way she wrote it. And the emotions behind her words..

She's been having anxiety attacks. She fears that her works are not good enough. She really wants to be accepted in UP. Tomorrow, she will pass her application. I hope she gets accepted. I know she will be. Love you Ynna!!

in need of life's weighing scale

LAW SCHOOL
a. mom's happiness
- for all the times i've been a disappointment to her, for her to be proud of me...
b. condo with sis
- cozy, personalized, semi-independence...
c. family's first lawyer
- knowing how they have been keeping track of what we (ate & i) will achieve in life
d. Php.xx,xxx.00-Php.xxx,xxx.00
- don't really care
e. thinking & missing anchis
- *SIGH*
f. explore other places in the country
g. constant communication with friends
- i love my friends!!!
h. stable (?) profession
- though the judicial system here really bothers me


EUROPE
a. my happiness
- in ten years time, i don't wanna look back and add more what if's and should have's in my life...
b. own flat/room
- total independence
c. family's first migrant
- away from those who need to have their priorities in order, those who seem to forget the real meaning of happiness, those who i fear i will hate in the long run...
d. Pounds
- again, don't really care
e. European guy ;-)
- long-time dream..that is, if (or should i say when?) i'll be able to heal and move on
f. new culture
- to test my adaptability =)
g. new friends
- possibility of forming strong bonds like what i have here...
h. unknown field
- one aspect that will really matter..then again, it would make the experience more exciting right?

one summer day...

finally...

after months of thinking and delaying, i've finally gathered enough "willingness" to create my own blog. my dear ynna said it would really help in my healing process, in any process actually..just releasing all the bottled emotions and suppressed thoughts inside me..so, i'm giving it a try..

i've been thinking a lot about having my own blog. i wanted to have one coz it might help me go through this "reflecting" stage of my life..i was kinda hesitant knowing many people will be able to read my posts..which means a lot of different views, opinions, even judgments about me..but what the heck? this is who i am, these are my feelings, these are my thoughts...