september quotes

" if everything is predetermined, then nothing we do makes a difference." -jack bristow, alias.


"what you need to know about the past is that no matter what happened, it has worked together to bring you to this very moment, and this is the moment you can choose to make everything new, right now.


thanks jb!

another day in the trash

woke up this morning, early this morning, and started with my daily routine. clean the room, clean the living room, and wash the dishes (if there are any left from last night's dinner). I finished by 10, and had nothing else to do but to watch TV.


JB said he envies me for being a "bum." I said he shouldn't. I've been throwing days and weeks into the trash for almost three months now. I may have gathered (some of) my documents, and met with friends here and there. But it doesn't come close to my relatively busy sched for the past 22 years of my life (ok, maybe just the last 19 years).


Just when I have to be "cracking on" with my application, it is when i can't do anything. i mean, i can do something but the major things on which that something depends on need to happen first. It'll be september this friday. i only have, at most, three weeks to have my visa, arrange my travel, and actually leave for the UK.


I don't know if i'll be able to make it by the two-week extension given to me. I want to leave. I don't want to waste anymore of my time. I'm still young, I know. But life,as they say, is short. I have to do what I want to do in life.



i'm getting restless by the minute...

hay...

fave word lately: hay!

just can't seem to utter anything else nowadays. magsama-sama ba naman ang confusion, feeling of worthless-ness and helpless-ness, desperation, at kung ano-ano pang magugulong damdamin.


hay...



di lang sa hindi ko nakukuha ang mga gusto kong maging sagot sa mga tanong ko, kundi walang sagot sa karamihan ng mga tanong na ito. dagdag pa na hindi ko alam kung saan lulugar, kung papaano gagalaw. ayokong ipilit ang di ukol, pero ayoko ding bayaang tadhana ang gumawa para sa akin. paano ko malalaman kung hanggang saan lang ang dapat kong gawin? paano ko malalaman na hindi ito pamimilit ng hindi para sa akin? paano ko malalaman kung may iba pa palang nakalaan sa akin?


hay...


ayoko ng magtagal pa dahil sa takot na bumalik sa mga nakasanayang gawin. sa takot na muling malugmok sa malalim at madilim na lugar na pilit kong nilabasan nitong nagdaang taon. hindi ko lang basta nakita ang maaliwalas na ulap. nagkaroon na rin ako kahit pano ng lakas at tibay ng loob para makalabas sa malalim at madilim na lugar na iyon. ayokong masayang ang walang sawang pagpapaalala at pag-aalala ng mga taong nagsilbing mga anghel mula sa maaliwalas na ulpa. ayokong bumalik sa kalagayang hindi alam ang kahalagahan ng pananatiling buhay sa kabila ng minsang pagkamatay ng puso.



hay...


kailangan ko ng umalis.

8.24.06

don't you just hate it when you talk to someone in filipino but get an answer in english? A bad english at that. add to it that the person responding feels superior because of her use of the international language. pasalamat siya may edad na siya kung hindi...


i would have talked to her in straight english and smile my heart out when she can't catch up with what i'm saying. but i got so distracted by her grammar, pronunciation, and articulation. plus the fact that she's not a sight to see. i mean, since it was in a way a semi-formal environment, she should have sat up straight, looked me in the eyes, and avoided unnecessary movements.


to make matters worse, i didn't think she was well-equipped for her job. her company should have a monthly check of the competence of their employees. i almost wanted to cut my relationship with the company just because of her. yeah, yeah. the answers she gave weren't the ones i was hoping for. but she wasn't even able to provide me with the simple details i was expecting for her to mention.



i'm confused. and she wasn't of any help!

8.23.06

Sa lahat ng kausap ko, si apple lang ang nagkatotoo. well, si apple lang naman talaga to begin with. Luckily, Leng was able to come and make my would-have-been-a-loner stay in starbucks a worthy one. Worthy naman pala talaga kasi i got a free mug, houseblend beans, plus the delicious and scrumptuos coffee tasting and pastries. =)


Apple had her hair cut really short, and Leng is right. It's ok, para nga naman new look si apple. Just like before, Apple showed her dedication with what she's doing. In just a year, she was able to become a coffee master and participate in the starbuck's ambassador's cup. And take note, she stayed until the Grande round. So proud of you apple! She really deserves a better man. I mean, i love you apple, pero dapat you look for the "best" man. Your last ex was kinda ok na sana. yun nga lang..oh well! just means the one meant for you is still out there. Love you!


In Leng's case...well, ano nga ba? There are a lot of things going on with her, I know. It's just that Leng will always be Leng. Same old Leng I knew way back in elementary. What I love about my relationship with Leng is that it's true, it doesn't try too hard to exist. It just does. Even if we don't see or talk to each other that often, the relationship remains as it is. Walang ilangan, walang nagaalangan, walang kyeme. She knows me, I know her. Whatever we do, say, and think, good or bad, no judgments. Coz it's just the way we are, and we know it. Siyempre we tell each other din naman what we should change or improve on. Pero just the important stuff, life-changing stuff. How I wished I could have shared with her the past four years in my life, yung as in by my side and all. Ilang beses na siguro akong nasermonan at naiuntog para magising. But I guess, it was meant to be that way. Or else, I wouldn't have learned all those lessons first-hand. Besides, sharing with her my (future, near future) moving on process is much better. I love you Leng! Friends Forever!!

decision-making time

I have just read Miss Kaarina's response to my email.








God, what do You want to tell me?









Miss Kaarina said that I would still be accepted until two weeks after classes have started.








Does this mean I should really "crack on" with my visa application? what if mama would think that it's still a short time for all the necessary prep? do we have the money right now for the course fee? are my papers correct and in order?








LA mentioned something about being prepared. I told him I think, I feel that I am ready. Emotionally and psychologically.










I need to make a decision for myself now...

my monday

MONDAY:
We were supposed to meet at 10 for a movie. Luckily, LA sent a text (very) early in the morning informing us he's available only after lunch coz he needs to go to Rizal. But that didn't stop me from waking up at 9. Ate, in her ususal katarayan, said she can no longer move her wards duty. Even Leng, who told us earlier that she is free after lunch, wasn't able to come because of "lack of sleep."
I missed LA. I know it's a conscious effort on my part not to text him or invite him to go out like before. I know he is busy with school, work, and church. Yes, yes. Plus the fact that he has a gf now. He hasn't really changed. He's still the same old LA ready to listen to just about anything. Still the same old LA who complains about the prices of everything.=) Kaya lang may gf na nga siya! ayokong maging katulad ni C na alam na may gf na yung tao eh nakikipagharutan pa sa harap mismo ng gf. (angry, very angry me!)
But I know I should stop joking about him choosing Nene and not me. It may make him uncomfy. I don't really mean it. Yun nga lang kasi..hay! (i should have published first my birthday post dapat eh)
Si JC? Ok lang. medyo miss lang. He went on again saying he wants to court Leng. After a couple of minutes, hindi na daw. Tapos, with conviction and all, sasabihin na sure na siya. Liligawan na nga niya. He even got excited just receiving Leng's text and getting her jacket for her. Just thinking about it again makes me have a headache. He should really sort things out inside him.
In Starbucks, I looked at them both and smiled. I found myself saying "I love these guys." They're my best guy friends. Yup, even JC. =) I'm comfortable around them. Although they're not like my HS friends who'll protect me from just about anybody or like my Beda buddies who'll be with me in all our "drinking" sessions, LA & JC are special. Sitting there and drinking coffee, I knew inside me our relationship will last. I'm not being cliche or anything. I just felt it last night. And even if they are (or in JC's case, will be) bfs of whoever, I know they will remain "my best buds."

my sunday

SUNDAY:
We went to Gateway Mall. No biggie, right? WRONG! I have managed to stay away from the places that remind me of Anchis. Except, of course, for the roads and places I should really pass through or go to. But I deliberately avoid going to our "pasyalan/date" places. Especially, Gateway. It is so near him. So many memories. So many emotions that will resurface.
But what was I to do? Ikaw na ang sumbatan na in case matuloy ka sa pag-alis, you will see less of your family. It's like saying na lumabas-labas na tayo ngayon dahil bilang na ang mga ganitong pagkakataon. Tama nga naman. Kasi aalis na talaga ako. Kailangan kong umalis na.
I made sure I have my iPod with me so I can listen to my "healing" songs while there. On our way to the mall, I told my angry self taht if I see him or her or them, then I guess it is just time for me to see him or her or them. It felt good hearing me say that to myself. How brave of me, no?
As usual, I didn't look at the faces of the people there. Afraid of seeing him. Afraid of seeing them together.
Na-realize ko pag-uwi na talagang mababaw ako. I got distracted by the games and by allyssa, trish, and tan-tan. Yes, we were in Timezone--the place where Anchis and I used to play as well. I even saw Van Gogh's Workroom which made me remember our "portrait" together. I'm not sure if it's with him or with me. If it is with him, does he still have it? Or has he thrown away all the letters and other stuff that reminds him of me? But those rememberin-him moments lasted for just a minute or so. I found myself watching my family play, watching them concentrate on getting prizes.
So, there is hope for me. I can move on. I MUST move on. NOW.

what the ---?!!!

what the hell do they mean when they say "Your file has been pulled out and being auctioned now"?!!!! aaaaaaargh!!! am i just stupid or just a worry-rat???? God, give me answers please....=(

after a while...

i've been out of the "blog circulation" for quite some time now.. no thanks to the pldt application filed eons ago..

oh well..

i'm not in the mood to post all my should-have-been-posted-on-this-date blogs. just in the mood to, i guess, have a new post here...


i went to ortigas this afternoon. i should really leave at the time i scheduled to leave. coz the traffic sucks. never assume that at a particular time there are less cars in the streets...

after driving for an hour and a half, i arrived 40 mintes late for my education counselling appointment. good thing i called ahead and informed them i was gonna be late.

talking to sir willie didn't help that much. just made me even more confused. if he says there is only a slim chance that i can leave for the sept classes, should i pursue with the chichester application now? if not, will my acceptance be carried over for the january classes? or should i try applying to other universities and allot more time for preparation?

sir willie told me, with no offense meant, that it seems i just want to accept what is available now so i can leave soon. true? partly, yes. i don't want to stay here longer. i know this makes me impatient and unreasonable.. but then, i don't want to be here when all those memorable dates come...how patethic could i be, right?????

i know and i feel i'm in a much better condition now as compared with last year... i don't cry my heart out every hour of every day. i am able to finish all the things i should do (not that i have lots os stuff to do nowadays)... i remember anchis and i'm able to smile.. yes, there are still times when i have the i-can't-breathe feeling. but I AM in a better state now. and i (hope) know that it wouldn't take that much longer for me to move on...

which leads me back to my leaving this place... i know mitz is right. she said "...moving away doesn't give you a life, it gives you a different country.." but i feel that leaving this place is an essential factor for my complete healing.. i don;t really know why. i just know it is...

for a bum like me, this is so much stress!!!!