i didn't mean to leave you at the table during lunch yesterday. i thought you were finished talking. ok, ok. i just kinda wished you were finished talking. i'm sorry. it's not because i don't have my manners. you raised us quite well, you know. it's just that i don't like having those talks. i know you mean well, and i would like to thank you for that. But at this point in my life, where everything seems to be one giant jigsaw puzzle that i am trying to finish in the dark, those talks affect me greatly. It's because i am reminded that i am a bum right now, that i am wasting "precious" time, and that i have, once again, let you down.
i'm sorry for being a disappointment for the nth time in my life. i didn't mean to be, i don't want to be. i know that the only thing we can do to make up for everything you've done for us is to have a successful career. and with what's been going on in my life, that seems to be a very long shot.
i'm sorry if i don't tell you what i really want, what my plans are. it's not because i don't want you to know or that i'm shutting you out of my life. ever since i was young, i've had this fear of telling you that i like this, i don't like that. it's a fear of being a diappointment. it's a fear of seeing the "look" in your eyes. it's a fear of hurting you. i know i've done just that so many times-- from the time i didn't graduate as a salututorian to the time i didn't give much attention and effort in playing the keyboards; from the time i didn't pass the upis exam to the time i ended up landing a call center job instead of applying for law school; from the time i didn't pass lae to the time you learned i have a boyfriend; from the time didn't enroll for a second year in any law school to the times i've completely excluded in my plans the option of continuing law school. and now, i know i'm hurting you again. i'm sorry.
i know what i should be doing. i know that even if i'm only 22 i need to be starting my career. i know that i should not be wasting time. but, you know, in these past months that i've been "lounging around" i've been able to discover some things about myself. one important thing is that i have a simple dream. i just want you to be proud of me and to have a stable life ahead of me. no titles, no fame, no billions. the tricky part of that dream is the part where i want you to take pride in me. coz i know, i feel, the only way i can achieve that is to become a lawyer. i know you've said you'd support us in whatever we want. i thank you for your effort in concealing what you really want. i feel it in me that you badly want me to be an attorney. i know it would be for my own benefit when the time comes. but i just can't seem to love, or even just like, law school. there's something about it that says i'm not meant to be there. maybe my personality just doesn't match that what is needed in law school.
i want to go away, to uk preferrably. maybe leng is right. maybe i just want to be somewhere where i can start anew, where i can do what i want, where i can have my own time to shine.
life is hard for me now. it has been very difficult for the past two years. you don't know about it, nobody in our family knows. (except maybe ate, when i had this breakdown over the phone with her last year. but she was only able to see the tip of the iceberg) i have been hurting, ma. i'm battered and bruised. and i can't seem to heal. issues and problems don't stop coming. just when i thought that i'll be ok, another issue comes along. there were, and there are, times when i just want to give up. i'm not that strong.
now, as i think things through, weighing all my options, i can't seem to come up with a good decision. ynna and i talked before and we agreed that we're ok now. we're not happy coz we're still not where we want to be. but at least we're not sad coz we're not stuck in a place where we don't want it be. at least we have the freedom to take that first step in achieving our own dreams. or so i thought. there are times when i've gathered enough courage to somehow tell you i really want to study abroad, to stand up for what i want to happen in my life. but there are these times when i think about what you may be feeling, what you may be thinking. i think about the next 5 years and i fear that there would still be regrets and disappointments. i can't help but think that the comparison between ate and i wouldn't stop. she'd be a doctor by then and me? i don't even know.
you should know i'm considering enrolling in law school again. yes, that's one of my options now. coz i just feel so pressured. there's this other half of me that is so concerned that i wouldn't be getting your full support if i pursue any other career aside from law. but you should know as well that it may only be temporary. it may be just to pass the time now, while i gather full strength to stand strong for what i want and while i carefully and meticulously process my studies abroad. but if i do that, it would seem to be just a empty attempt to make you happy. an attempt that would only last for a couple of months coz after that i'd be pursuing the uk thing again. then i think about doing what i want now. the only consequence of doing that, enrolling in some marketing units or applying for an MA in marketing, is the fact that you won't be happy. and that's a huge consequence that i don't know if i can bear.
i'm confused, ma. but i know what i should be doing. i'm thinking about my options now, though confusing as they may be. i'm carefully weighing each option. i know i'd have the answers soon. coz i don't want to be like this anymore. too much time has been wasted, i know. i'd let you know as soon as i myself know ok?
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