hindi pa rin eh

kahit anong gawin ko, anong pagkumbinsi sa sarili ko, o anong pag-iimagine ko, hindi pa rin talaga. kahit sabihin ko na siya out loud, in an attempt to convince myself more, hindi talaga. una, sayang ang pera. at magiging para saan na siya kung sa huli ay di ko rin naman talaga siya itutuloy? sapat na dahilan na ba yung at least for now i'd be doing something and for a couple of months they'd be proud of me again? hindi ba parang in a way lolokohin ko lang sila nun? na after a sem, hindi ko na naman siya itutuloy? wouldn't i just be letting their hopes up?

everything's clear naman eh. all choices are laid out in front of me. oo, sige. di nga kasama sa choices yung studying abroad. ewan ko ba, it just faded out. i mean, it's still inside me na i want to go there and live there and die there. pero to study? now? i'm not sure anymore. siguro para kasing it would demand so much from them na i don't want to happen knowing (or maybe just feeling it) na it's not what they really want for me.

naiisip ko na sige dito muna ko. work at aral. or work or aral. tapos during those times, i'd try to process my papers for my travel abroad. para kasing it would require careful planning eh. applying for the best universities and trying to have a scholarship. ayoko na kasing madaliin ulit. january ang sunod na pasukan. three months to prepare? i don't think so. for the september na start? baka pwede pa. but i can't just use my time in carefully planning everything. "sayang ang oras."

and so, i'm left with the option of studying and/or working here. now, what would i study? law ulit? as i've said in the beginning, it would appear to be just a cover-up. plus the fact na hindi ko talaga siya gusto. i tell myself sometimes, baka this time around i'll learn to love it. considering na sa ibang school na. but when i imagine myself, in any school, wala talaga. naaalala ko yung times ko in beda. i don't want that to happen again. everyday is a struggle. sabi nga nila everyday you should look forward to doing something para alive ka and enthusiastic about life. hindi pwede yun with me in law school.

so masters? in la salle, it would start this january. sa ateneo, summer. sa up, june pa. UP and Ateneo: MA in (Speech) Communications. La Salle: MA in Marketing/Advertising Communications. i'm leaning towards the MA in marketing/advertising. parang mas may direction kasi. the problem with my undergrad course kasi, masyadong malawak. sakop lahat. parang it's about time i should focus on something, specialize on something. but the thing is may kamahalan ang tuition fee. although naiisip ko since i AM gonna work, pwede na siguro di ba? pero andun na naman yung idea na it would be asking a lot from them. isipin ko na lang ba na it's their responsibility sakin, to finance my studies? kahit na di pa yun ang gusto nila?

if i go for la salle and their january start, it would mean that i have two and a half months more doing what? look for a job? pwede. and so the question now is what job? another question pa nga eh kung matanggap ba ko sa graduate program. yeah, low self-esteem speaking. i want to be a trainer. it pays well kasi. plus i'd be a teacher of some sort. kaso nga lang, pag sinabi na namang call center ayan na naman ang misconception na easy money. na di ginagamitan ng utak. hay. if i apply in a marketing or advertising company, will the pay be good enough? will i be accpeted knowing na i don't have any background in that field?

tonight, i'm for pursuing masterals. pero pano kung bukas maisip ko na naman na hindi yun ang gusto nila for me? maisip ko na naman na mapagcocompare na naman kami ni ate and i would, as always, be the "evil sister"? sana hindi magbago isip ko. sana mapangatawanan ko na to. sana makayanan kong sabihin sa kanila na ito na nga ang desisyon ko. sana...