elem enem

the thought just hit me now. i am affected by what has happened between jc and i. it's not just because i tend to worry myself about simple things in life. neither is it because i have a tendency to assume there is a problem even if there is none. it's simply because i was really affected by the things he have said. yes, it may appear that nothing has changed between us. it's like nothing happened, feelings were not told. but it is a result of a conscious effort on my part. everytime we see each other i always tell myself beforehand that everything's still the same, that there's nothing to be conscious about. the truth is i am already conscious. i can't fight it. though it really is not big of a deal, a little part of me gets conscious. it's because of the things he told me. inconsistent as he may seem to be, not to add that no supporting actions have been made, a part of me wants to believe all the things he said. and that part is afraid. afraid of falling? no. afraid of losing one of my longest friendships. afraid of hurting someone i've known for almost seventeen years. and with that conscious effort to make things stay the way they are, it seems i'm mean to him most of the time. just to keep our "elementary enemy" relationship alive. i breathe a sigh of relief whenever he tells me stories about karyl or some other girl. it confirms that he was just his usual "joker" self when he told me those things. but when i tell him that i don't believe a word he say about his feelings for me, he gets hurt. or so he says. or so i feel. really confusing. it's like being in the see-saw. when you're the one up, you feel excited. you get high, so to speak. yet you want to go down because you fear that you might fall. when you're the one down, you feel safe. you feel secure. yet you want to go up because you want to feel the air and excitement. really confusing.

i sometimes really want to talk to him and know for sure if he's telling the truth. but i don't wanna appear to be assuming if he was merely joking. and i don't wanna be uncomfortable around him if he was serious. so i guess what we have now will do. i think it's better than not having him around...